Rave On, Shane O'Connor

I got some bad news yesterday that really has shocked me. An Irish cousin of mine passed away on Sunday. He was 24. When I went to Ireland four years ago, I looked up the family I knew we had, and spent my second weekend with Shane and his parents at their house in suburban Dublin. He was quiet, reserved rather, but was interested in America and me and our family, and I predictably pummelled him with detailed questions about him and his family and what it's like to live and grow up in Dublin. That first night, me, Shane, and his parents Kevin and Hannah, went to a local pub. His parents left at a certain time and when the pub closed he and I walked back to his house and drank Heinekens for a little while, watching MTV Europe and falling asleep.

After that weekend I didn't expect to see him again for awhile. My parents and sister would be coming to meet me in Dublin in six weeks but Shane went to San Francisco for the summer with his mates. We were surprised when we met up with the O'Connors later that Shane had had a bad go of it in America. He couldn't find a job, was running out of money and too many people were living in the small place they found. So he came home, and wasn't very happy about it. I remember being in his room the night before he and my parents arrived from the states (separate flights on the same day) and thinking that my room at home looked the same. He had books by Irish authors and music by Irish bands but for the most part they were filled with the trappings of young adult maleness. My parents arrived and for the rest of the weekend we spent time with them and many extended family and my dad was so insanely happy. We all were enjoying it and not just Michelle because she was given alcoholic cider at 13.

A few months after our trip Kevin called to tell us that Shane had slipped into a coma, from an unknown cause. It was similar to meningitis and encephalitis but was neither and everything was up in the air and uncertainty reigned. Six months later he pulled out of the coma but was paralyzed from the waist down. They still don't know what caused it. Shane was depressed, of course, but persevered. He pushed himself on all fronts, at one point living alone to push and test himself even more. He lived the life of a cripple, unable to walk or get around easily. Shane went back to college and lived on campus, which is uncommon in Ireland, and graduated last May. I spoke with Kevin just a week ago and asked how Shane was doing. He said he was walking again, albeit with a walker, and they had tricked out a car so he could drive it. I can only imagine that this inching toward normalcy was cherished.

Saturday night he went to a pub with his friends and his dad picked him up at the end of the night. He went to sleep. His alarm went off in the morning but he never turned it off. His mom went in to get him and found that he never woke up. Again, there are no answers as to why or how. An autopsy will be done, but those don't always answer the questions and can take a long time. It was devastating to hear the news.

We were supposed to see him next month when he went to Pittsburgh to see a rehab specialist. We're going to Dublin in November which will be very strange, and it probably won't fully hit me until I see his grave. I spent the most time with him of my relatives here and because we were closer in age I think he wasn't as reserved. There was more to bond over.

I had thought over the last few years that I should email him or write a letter just to see how he was doing. But I got lazy or busy or forgot, and time went by without. I could really hurt myself over my stupidity.

At the Frames concert on Saturday, I had thought about him. I wanted to remember to talk with him about how so much great music is pouring out of Ireland lately and who else he liked. I realized that I thought that probably as he was dying, with the time difference and all.

It's so unsettling because it is so shocking. When Kevin told my dad yesterday he seemed so resigned, saying "he cheated death once" and talking about how they felt lucky they had some more time with him after the coma. I'm sure they dealt with all of the feelings of possible death over those comatose months, but you can never prepare for a death especially when he rebounded like he did. It's just so incredibly sad.

Michelle commented that since we were over there, four relatives have died. We were lucky to have met them at all. For a couple of them, we spent only a few hours or an afteroon together, but through our pictures and our memories it seems like years. As for Shane, I wish you could see the movies playing inside my head about my time spent with an Irish cousin and all the fun we had. My stories don't match the visuals I'm recalling right now.

Rave on, Shane O'Connor. We don't know why, or how, but we have to accept that there is some reason you were taken so young. Life is just too complicated to be ended so easily. I hope and pray that something will appear to allow your family to wrap their heads around this huge loss.